NOW FEAR THIS

I remember my body as it was then, warm and soft and long with a too-round middle that I’m always staring at in the mirror with a critical eye. I feel my body tense sharply at the sound of a man’s voice telling me in the darkness of his bedroom and in the tangle of […]

COMING OUT UNDONE

I was in the hands of a man recently. It started out as my hand in his, a firm handshake as he thanked me for being the main speaker at an AA meeting while looking me in the eye with his kind and gentle gaze. “We should be friends,” he boldly stated. As our hands […]

Love From Nothing

I will never forget the night before the afternoon that completely changed my love story. My fiancée led me out onto a small bridge suspended over the Merced River in Yosemite Valley, California. It was late, and we wanted to get the best view of the stars on our last night before heading back to […]

Memory Keepers

At first glance a visitor to New York City might think that the memories of September 11th 2001 are only contained at the official 9/11 Memorial, two beautiful acre-sized pools with the names of each and every life lost on that day along their rims, and an elaborately detailed museum that could take an entire […]

City Mountain Views

I smelled Leo before I actually saw him. Urine, shit, sweat and decay; the now familiar vaporous cocktail of a New York City street resident in the summer heat that has become a regular part of my everyday life since moving here from California 5 months ago. He stood motionless on the 4th step from […]

Angel In The Addict

I met my first angel in rehab, and she appeared in the form of a heroin addict named Joanie. She introduced herself to me while I was sitting on the back porch of a brand new women’s sober living facility, searching for my cigarettes in a tattered Jansport backpack filled with dirty clothes. At the […]

RAPE WEIGHT

During the summer after my high school graduation, I was raped. It hurt, and while it was happening, I was terrified. I recall every single strange thought that went through my mind during those few minutes. I remember wondering if I was going to die. I remember thinking that this wasn’t how rape looked in […]